Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…

So, I’ve been feeling a little down recently. Old age can do that to you, I suppose…. just kidding because I’m not that old. However, it seems like I’m getting older while celebrities get younger and I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Honestly, I would lovvvvveee to act or be in a band, however I lack confidence and skills. I’ve always been the shy person who doesn’t like being the center of attention.  And part of my problem is honestly having resting bitch face heh heh.  In fact, I just got told that someone last year thought I didn’t like them when I would’ve rather gotten to know them better.

Any who, I was kind of thinking about everything in terms of what I want to do with my life.  I have no idea.  And people keep telling me I don’t need to, yet everyone around me seems to be figuring that stuff out.  Ugh, why is life so overwhelming and scary?  Well, today I told a friend that they need to practice to be able to be good at something and to not give up.  That something is makeup, by the way.  I’ve been playing with makeup since 7th grade and I love it.  I love trying new looks and weird things that my friends challenge me to try, such as the Cheshire cat and maleficent-inspired makeup.  I love playing with it because makeup is like art to me.  It feels so easy to want to mess with it and try new things so I feel at ease saying that it does get easier and less miserable.  However, I started to wonder if those words really meant anything.

I mean, I was saying them to my friend and really meaning it, yet when people tell me those kinds of things I kind of think “well you have to say that, you’re my friend/family?”.  Or if a celebrity talks about persevering I think, “Yeah, but you can say that that’s what it took because you’re there now.”  It frustrates me that I think this way instead of actually doing things, but I just get so exhausted with my school work.  I mean, I know that I should be writing more because I’m an English major and I would like to be a writer someday, yet when I get back from classes all I want to do is kill brain cells watching TV.  In turn, watching TV makes me feel crappy because I wish I was there, you know, acting.  But again, loneliness and fear keep me from the idea of acting.

I know acting is a very hard field to get into which is what deters me from it a lot.  People tell me I’m good at it but even if I am, I don’t have the heart to go to audition after audition to get rejected each time.  I take things to heart too much heh heh.  And honestly, I tried to be a theater major last year.  This is how it made me feel, except I didn’t have any one trying to reach out to me.  I felt this way in high school too, but I had one friend who encouraged me and stuck with me throughout those years.  Now that we’re at different schools I felt so alone.  I was honestly excited to take theater classes after my first semester of college, however, the week before classes started I had a really scary panic attack.  Luckily, I had a sister to call via skype to talk me down ><.  After that happened I ended up being diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety.  Totally true, and honestly I feel better now that I take something to help ease my sadness.  But there are those days like today where I feel lonely and pathetic.  Even though I have crappy days, I know I have certain people in my life that will always be there, which helps me to smile and get through the day.

I honestly have no idea where this came from today and it’s probably very choppy and tangential, but I don’t care because it’s late and I’m tired and this blog has become word vomit for the time being…. This is why I shouldn’t write so late, but unfortunately, that’s when I usually get my creative bug.  Any, way hopefully the next post I do will be happier ><

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Just some random musings

So my computer is currently M.I.A which is depressing, so I’m using an iPad to type this and hating every second.  Recently I’ve also been wanting to write or do creative things but I’ve also been in a bit of a schlump.  It does not help me to get the creative juices flowing.

I just feel so wiped out from the tons of homework I keep getting and the stress of the rest of my college career/ life in the real world.  This stuff makes me just want to fry my mind with Netflix or my newest, yet not so new guilty pleasure, Buzzfeed.  It’s pretty frustrating because there are so many things I’d rather be doing but feel no motivation or energy to do those things.  Also the things I want to do are harder living in a dorm.  For example, I want to learn multiple musical instruments but I feel like I’m annoying everyone around me.  Erg.  Hopefully I’ll get more into writing consistently soon, because my sister started a writing group with some of her friends ( which I didn’t contribute to in October so she’s annoyed with me but I had a paper due every week for the entire month).  Also, next semester I’m crazily taking an 8 am class >< on creative writing.  But maybe this January my blog posts will actually get interesting because I’m leaving the country!

For a class we’re going to China and Japan.  I’m pretty excited and will probably use this as my journal while I’m there.  But that’s all for now because typing on an iPad sucks and it just deleted some of what I wrote before soooo yeah, latahhhz