Maybe I’m over exhausted or something because it’s finals time, but I keep feeling like crying thanks to the idea of going home and having friends “so excited to hang out” blah blah blah. I wish I felt like seeing them, but honestly, seeing them makes me feel, empty I guess. I’ve probably said it, but only one friend from home has really been there for me. Well, two. (I’m just so bad at texting to stay in touch that we don’t talk enough when I’m away, but we got really close this summer). My other friend, though, asks me almost every day how I’m doing and shows an interest in my life/in me. I have tried multiple times to start conversations with my friends while we’re at school and my friends always end them shortly. It’s been weighing heavy on my heart, so sorry that I keep talking about it. But I am so grateful I found such a great friend in college. She keeps me distracted and having fun so I don’t have to think about it ><.
However, I just got a message from my friend saying that we should all get together for dinner or something when we come home after finals. This is the friend whose been there for me, so I don’t want to say anything, but man, I really don’t want to see any of my other friends. And that sucks, because we used to be close. I just don’t get how people can forget about others so easily and painlessly. Why am I stuck in a corner crying my eyes out every time I think about them, when they can be so happy, off in their own little world? I’m an emotional person, but this heart is starting to be hardened towards them.
Also, I never respond to group messages anymore on Facebook because I just don’t want to have to pretend that I’m happy and okay with everyone. Inside, I’m crumpling and can’t breathe. I can’t make stupid, fake, meaningless, superficial conversation. None of them even notice or ask why I don’t respond. None ask me what’s up in private messages. None of them look at posts I make on Facebook. Sure, that’s a stupid thing to think about, but that’s how my generation is staying in communication with each other and when no one communicates that way or anyway else, it’s hard.
So honestly, I don’t know what to do. I know people keep telling me that this happened to them and that friends come and go. While I see this argument, it still hurts so much and since I have never been one to have a huge group of friends, my pals from high school (the 5-6 close ones) were supposed to be there for me and, in turn, me for them.
I wrote this with a lot of emotions running through my head and I had a feeling like I was going to explode into a river of tears, so I stopped writing for a while. So I’m not really sure where I was going to go with this post…
And obviously, because I keep talking about them or referencing them, Paramore is a huge influence in terms of song lyrics I listen to. So when the song Hate to See Your Heart Break came out, I thought it was a sad, yet pretty song that was kind of fun to sing to because of the changes in it. Now I truly understand the lyrics and relate to them so much. I wasn’t really sure at first if this song was about friendship or romantic relationships but I recently read that it was written about friendship, so it became even more relevant. I especially relate right now to the first verse:
“There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was
How were you to know?
Oh, how were you to know?”
I really feel this pain, like I’m being emotionally ripped apart whenever I think of our relationships. And I, just as the song says, have no way to describe the pain or how I’m feeling, I just know it sucks. The “how were you to know” is also what’s been eating away at me. I know that my friends can’t know how I’m feeling right now because I haven’t told them but I don’t want to ruin our friendships or make them feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. But I also feel like I should get this off my chest, but I’ve never been a blunt person so, I don’t know how that would turn out.
Wow, sorry to make this so dense and deep….Emotions man, emotions.