Dorrramaaaa!

ひさしぶりね!

It’s been so long since i blogged and I kind of lied in my last blog because I never posted…that was because of a snowball-effect thing.  We didn’t have internet in China so I didn’t get to write my blogs and then in Japan I was behind and didn’t want to have to write the old ones but also did?  And we always got back late so I was too tired to type up a lot.  Anyway, I loved it!  It also helped me with some of the last things I’ve been talking about on here.

I know have a LOT more friends that I’m close with here or really like hanging out with from my college.  So, I guess through time, the amount of hurt I’ve had, and these new friends, I’ve stopped being hung-up on my high school friends.  If I think about it too much I still cry and feel sad, but now I know that they’re missing out on someone who truly cares about them, so it’s bad for them ><  Not to talk about myself like I’m awesome, heh heh, I just really care for those I’m close too.  Anyway, one of these friends introduced me to a new love that I can indulge in here since I miss Japan so much!  DORAMAS!!!

The first week back from Japan I was so jet-lagged and bored that I watched an entire drama series.  And now I started two others!  ><

So, the first one I watched was amazing is called 花よりだんご(hana yori dango) or Boys over Flowers.  It was pretty dorky, but really cute.  As are most doramas.  But this followed a girl who falls in love with a super rich boy.  The boy of course scorns her at first but then falls for her.  Basically the plot of them all ><  However, the side characters make the show amazing.  For example, the main character’s boss is dramatic and claims to have had many great lovers no matter what century it was, haha.  She’s very strange and is always eavesdropping, so she adds some very strange drama.  Eh, you should just watch it because, yeah.  Also, I talked to multiple Japanese guys and they’d all seen this drama too because it was so popular.

2655286096_1_3 <Main cast

Offeringsometea2< Superrrr cute scene!  Also, rumor is these two are dating in real life and going to get married!  かわあいい!!!

The ones I’m watching now do have similar plots, but eh.  I’m watching one with my roommate, who watched the anime so wanted to watch it too, called いたずらなキス!(itazura na kiss: Love in Tokyo) or Mischievous Kiss.  The characters are over the top and hilarious.  In this one, the main character expresses her love for the most popular guy in school and he shoots her down.  Then, this girl’s new house is hit with a meteor which makes the house fall down, because, Physics.  And so the girl and her dad have to move in with her dad’s friend.  But wait!  She soon finds out the man she professed to is the friend’s son!  Hahaha, so amazing.  Anyway, the guy’s mom is by far the best character.  She loves the main character, Kotoko, because she is the daughter the mom has always wanted.  And there for she pushes them to get together.  She’s also into photography:

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If anything you need to watch it just for the amazing faces the main character makes.

686c1d13tw1e44fkbo1x4j20zk140dtg<This is nothing compared to a face she makes in season 1, episode 8!  My roommate and I laughed for a good few minutes and then rewound it during that episode ><  Actually, my awesome roommate just found that face, here, enjoy!

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tumblr_ml83og92eO1ru3ih7o1_500<She’s also very relatable 😀  This is when she’s studying Physics and Math

And the last one I’m watching is called 花君(hana kimi) or known as Hanazakari no Kimitachi e (花ざかりの君たちへ, For You in Full Blossom).  It’s about a girl in love with a guy so much that she cuts her hair and changes so that she can be a boy.  This is so she can get into school with him at his all-boys school.  Again, this one is very ridiculous but it stars Ikuta Toma, who is a cutie pie, sooo, worth it 😀

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So, Hana yori dango is on Youtube, Itazura na Kiss is on Hulu and Crunchyroll, and Hana Kimi is sort of on Youtube?  Otherwise a site called gooddrama.net is my friend’s go to.  Watch them!!!! They have helped me learn knew vocab, cultural things, and given me quite a few laughs.  Also, I forgot to mention that I really go into dramas because in Japan a new one (with Toma) came out called Ouroboros while we were there.  It was super good, so I’ve been trying to somehow watch it because it’s a really interesting concept about two orphan boys, one yakuza and one cop who are trying to get revenge on their mother-like figure.  I may have found some, but I’ve been having issues so if anyone knows, please let me know!  I definitely recommend that one too!  So, enjoy and if you want to know more, you can ask :D, but I will not give spoilers!

Thanks for reading!

Traveling

Why, hello there.  Long-time-no-rant-see.  Wellll, this isn’t a rant.  Yayyyyy!?  So, Happy New Year!!! Let’s hope it’s a better one, eh?

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m going to China and Japan this month.  I was supposed to leave early this morning, but weather happened so I don’t leave until 6 a.m. tomorrow morning.  And, because I am awesome and waited until the last minute to pack, I didn’t have time to blog last night.

Anywho, this is just a short announcement (statement?) that I had to create another blog for school about my year in the class.  So, I will be posting diary-ish entries on that blog rather than this one for the time being.  I’m hoping it will be every day, and if not, I’ll post about multiple days in one blog.  I may not be able to post everyday in China either, because WordPress is blocked in China…so unless I find a way around that, I won’t post until the 10th or so when I get to Japan.

Without further ado, this is my other blog address, and please excuse the lack of depth in my Japanese description.  I can basically write like a second grader right now, so sue me.  Anyway, I hope you find it interesting, maybe if I decide to write something that I wouldn’t like other students or teachers to know, I’ll use this blog, but until then, laterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!  ❤

Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal…

Maybe I’m over exhausted or something because it’s finals time, but I keep feeling like crying thanks to the idea of going home and having friends “so excited to hang out” blah blah blah.  I wish I felt like seeing them, but honestly, seeing them makes me feel, empty I guess.  I’ve probably said it, but only one friend from home has really been there for me.   Well, two.  (I’m just so bad at texting to stay in touch that we don’t talk enough when I’m away, but we got really close this summer).  My other friend, though, asks me almost every day how I’m doing and shows an interest in my life/in me.  I have tried multiple times to start conversations with my friends while we’re at school and my friends always end them shortly.  It’s been weighing heavy on my heart, so sorry that I keep talking about it.  But I am so grateful I found such a great friend in college.  She keeps me distracted and having fun so I don’t have to think about it ><.

However, I just got a message from my friend saying that we should all get together for dinner or something when we come home after finals.  This is the friend whose been there for me, so I don’t want to say anything, but man, I really don’t want to see any of my other friends.  And that sucks, because we used to be close.  I just don’t get how people can forget about others so easily and painlessly.  Why am I stuck in a corner crying my eyes out every time I think about them, when they can be so happy, off in their own little world?  I’m an emotional person, but this heart is starting to be hardened towards them.

Also, I never respond to group messages anymore on Facebook because I just don’t want to have to pretend that I’m happy and okay with everyone.  Inside, I’m crumpling and can’t breathe.  I can’t make stupid, fake, meaningless, superficial conversation.  None of them even notice or ask why I don’t respond.  None ask me what’s up in private messages.  None of them look at posts I make on Facebook.  Sure, that’s a stupid thing to think about, but that’s how my generation is staying in communication with each other and when no one communicates that way or anyway else, it’s hard.

So honestly, I don’t know what to do.  I know people keep telling me that this happened to them and that friends come and go.  While I see this argument, it still hurts so much and since I have never been one to have a huge group of friends, my pals from high school (the 5-6 close ones) were supposed to be there for me and, in turn, me for them.

I wrote this with a lot of emotions running through my head and I had a feeling like I was going to explode into a river of tears, so I stopped writing for a while.  So I’m not really sure where I was going to go with this post…

And obviously, because I keep talking about them or referencing them, Paramore is a huge influence in terms of song lyrics I listen to.  So when the song Hate to See Your Heart Break came out, I thought it was a sad, yet pretty song that was kind of fun to sing to because of the changes in it.  Now I truly understand the lyrics and relate to them so much.  I wasn’t really sure at first if this song was about friendship or romantic relationships but I recently read that it was written about friendship, so it became even more relevant.  I especially relate right now to the first verse:

“There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was

How were you to know?
Oh, how were you to know?”

I really feel this pain, like I’m being emotionally ripped apart whenever I think of our relationships.  And I, just as the song says, have no way to describe the pain or how I’m feeling, I just know it sucks.  The “how were you to know” is also what’s been eating away at me.  I know that my friends can’t know how I’m feeling right now because I haven’t told them but I don’t want to ruin our friendships or make them feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me.  But I also feel like I should get this off my chest, but I’ve never been a blunt person so, I don’t know how that would turn out.

Wow, sorry to make this so dense and deep….Emotions man, emotions.

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Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…

So, I’ve been feeling a little down recently. Old age can do that to you, I suppose…. just kidding because I’m not that old. However, it seems like I’m getting older while celebrities get younger and I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Honestly, I would lovvvvveee to act or be in a band, however I lack confidence and skills. I’ve always been the shy person who doesn’t like being the center of attention.  And part of my problem is honestly having resting bitch face heh heh.  In fact, I just got told that someone last year thought I didn’t like them when I would’ve rather gotten to know them better.

Any who, I was kind of thinking about everything in terms of what I want to do with my life.  I have no idea.  And people keep telling me I don’t need to, yet everyone around me seems to be figuring that stuff out.  Ugh, why is life so overwhelming and scary?  Well, today I told a friend that they need to practice to be able to be good at something and to not give up.  That something is makeup, by the way.  I’ve been playing with makeup since 7th grade and I love it.  I love trying new looks and weird things that my friends challenge me to try, such as the Cheshire cat and maleficent-inspired makeup.  I love playing with it because makeup is like art to me.  It feels so easy to want to mess with it and try new things so I feel at ease saying that it does get easier and less miserable.  However, I started to wonder if those words really meant anything.

I mean, I was saying them to my friend and really meaning it, yet when people tell me those kinds of things I kind of think “well you have to say that, you’re my friend/family?”.  Or if a celebrity talks about persevering I think, “Yeah, but you can say that that’s what it took because you’re there now.”  It frustrates me that I think this way instead of actually doing things, but I just get so exhausted with my school work.  I mean, I know that I should be writing more because I’m an English major and I would like to be a writer someday, yet when I get back from classes all I want to do is kill brain cells watching TV.  In turn, watching TV makes me feel crappy because I wish I was there, you know, acting.  But again, loneliness and fear keep me from the idea of acting.

I know acting is a very hard field to get into which is what deters me from it a lot.  People tell me I’m good at it but even if I am, I don’t have the heart to go to audition after audition to get rejected each time.  I take things to heart too much heh heh.  And honestly, I tried to be a theater major last year.  This is how it made me feel, except I didn’t have any one trying to reach out to me.  I felt this way in high school too, but I had one friend who encouraged me and stuck with me throughout those years.  Now that we’re at different schools I felt so alone.  I was honestly excited to take theater classes after my first semester of college, however, the week before classes started I had a really scary panic attack.  Luckily, I had a sister to call via skype to talk me down ><.  After that happened I ended up being diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety.  Totally true, and honestly I feel better now that I take something to help ease my sadness.  But there are those days like today where I feel lonely and pathetic.  Even though I have crappy days, I know I have certain people in my life that will always be there, which helps me to smile and get through the day.

I honestly have no idea where this came from today and it’s probably very choppy and tangential, but I don’t care because it’s late and I’m tired and this blog has become word vomit for the time being…. This is why I shouldn’t write so late, but unfortunately, that’s when I usually get my creative bug.  Any, way hopefully the next post I do will be happier ><

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Just some random musings

So my computer is currently M.I.A which is depressing, so I’m using an iPad to type this and hating every second.  Recently I’ve also been wanting to write or do creative things but I’ve also been in a bit of a schlump.  It does not help me to get the creative juices flowing.

I just feel so wiped out from the tons of homework I keep getting and the stress of the rest of my college career/ life in the real world.  This stuff makes me just want to fry my mind with Netflix or my newest, yet not so new guilty pleasure, Buzzfeed.  It’s pretty frustrating because there are so many things I’d rather be doing but feel no motivation or energy to do those things.  Also the things I want to do are harder living in a dorm.  For example, I want to learn multiple musical instruments but I feel like I’m annoying everyone around me.  Erg.  Hopefully I’ll get more into writing consistently soon, because my sister started a writing group with some of her friends ( which I didn’t contribute to in October so she’s annoyed with me but I had a paper due every week for the entire month).  Also, next semester I’m crazily taking an 8 am class >< on creative writing.  But maybe this January my blog posts will actually get interesting because I’m leaving the country!

For a class we’re going to China and Japan.  I’m pretty excited and will probably use this as my journal while I’m there.  But that’s all for now because typing on an iPad sucks and it just deleted some of what I wrote before soooo yeah, latahhhz

Weekly Photo Challenge, Dialogue–Reaching

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I was in a tour bus so ignore the black triangle in the top-right corner.  To me, this picture/ the building itself really spoke to me.  It was like the music was flying into the sky/reaching toward the clouds.   At that moment, and now looking at the picture, I want to go with them, playfully up into the sky.  (I can’t remember exactly where this was on my trip but I believe it was in London.  Also the music notes continued down to the ground as well.)

Weekly Photo Challenge–from a while ago

I saw the prompt for a challenge from a few weeks ago and I’ve been wanting to start putting pictures on here too soooo I’m going to post it but not put a pingback.  It was the daily challenge entitled “Contrast”

 

These photos are from a trip I took a few years ago with my international club in high school.  We went to Ireland, Wales, England, and France.  These particular ones, however, are from a beautiful church in Ireland.

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“Someday all this mess will make me laugh—I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait”

So unfortunately I wasn’t born into an extremely rich family, so to pay for school, I’ve had to get jobs since high school.  I kind of procrastinated on that though, with a few babysitting jobs until the start of my senior year, when I got a job as a hostess at a local restaurant.  However, now I have a glorious job at Walmart!  Yaaayyy….  It’s not terrible (in fact, it’s way better than the ridiculous drama I dealt with at the restaurant where I worked).  However, the worst part, and the best part can be the people.  I have had the most rude and cruel people come through my line (oh yeah, I’m a cashier) and each time I’m bewildered by how some people act.

I get it, people have bad days, but they shouldn’t be ignorant and take it out on strangers doing them a service.  That’s why I wholeheartedly agree with the idea that every one should work a job in customer service at least once in their life.  Just say hello, please, and thank you.  That’s all.  Not too hard.  And not too much to ask.  Is it?

So, about some of the people I’ve dealt with.  There was one old man who was just plain cruel to me and caused me to eventually take a tone with him, I wouldn’t take with any other customer or person for that matter.  He brought up some fruit, and if anyone knows about how fruit and vegetables work at grocery stores, you have to type in a four-letter code found on the bag or sticker, or a pamphlet the cashier has ( at least this is how my Walmart works).  So I typed in the code as the guy is telling me how much a sign said they were.  I finally got them to ring up but accidentally typed in a different code so they came up more than he had said.  I immediately took them off and began looking for the right code. He began to basically yell at me, “No they were $1.98!  You don’t believe me!” over and over again.  I tried to explain my mistake and tell him that I was going to change it, but apparently that wasn’t enough and I didn’t believe him.  I used a code on the computer to try and get a supervisor over (but they got tied up in customer service so no one came for a long time).  So, because he didn’t see me physically call a supervisor after I repeatedly told him I had, he yelled at me to “ask him” indicating to the cashier behind me.  I went to that cashier to double check the number I was typing in and he helped me.  The man begrudgingly paid, while he angrily said “What did he say?  What did he say? What did he say?”  So I flat out ignored the old man, trying to get him the heck out of there before I yelled back.  He began to walk away, stopped, and pointed at his receipt, “See, they rang up as $1.99”.  So I just smiled and said “Ok, you can take it to customer service.”  His response?  Pissed off at the world voice: “I will”.

During this time I was caught the look of the guy behind the old man.  He had a look of pure awe and anger that the old man was being so mean.  And when he came up to me after the old man left, he sort of shouted sarcastically “How are YOU today” while laughing.  He then murmured, “I hope I don’t become an ass hat like that when I get old, jeez.”  I just smiled, because I didn’t want to be mean and catty but I’m sure I gave this man a look of such relief because I had just been badgered for something that I did everything I new to fix it.  I was also still pretty new so I felt crappy enough from his words and from not knowing what to do.

I had another lady come through my line with about 20 of the cheap flavored waters Walmart sells.  Now, I usually just bag these but some people don’t like it so I asked her if she wanted them bagged.  Maybe it had been a bit of a stupid question but I was exhausted, almost done with a ten hour shift.  However, I don’t think that warranted her response, which was, “Yeah, what else?”  in a very snotty way.  I unfortunately had the same lady today who was very snippy and said thank you in a way that made it seem as if I’d wasted her time.  I mean, if you’re going to be crabby or annoyed by the cashier, go to the dang self-checkout!

 

*I started this before I quit and went back to school, but I know more things hapened that sucked before I did, including a creepy guy who came through my line a few times and who I wish wouldn’t XD

Anyway, enjoy my pain and frustration!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Just a little randomness from my mind

So, I like to name my blogs based on song titles usually because I love music and suck at titling things.  However, this post is going to be a random thoughts popping into my head because there are equally random emotions swirling around in there as well.  Now do I start on a good note, or end it there?  Decisions decisions…

I guess good since I have a lot of pent up anger from the last few weeks still swirling around in my mind and want to rant about that more, so might as well get the good out of the way (I know, so pessimistic).  Soooo, the good: I got a book called The Writer’s Lab: A Place to Experiment With Fiction written by Sexton Burke.  It’s a book that gives you different creative writing prompts and lets you, as the title suggests, play with fiction.  It sounds like a fun book, and hopefully it can get me posting some interesting stories or ideas on here too.   He had another book too about adventures with fiction writing that sounds really interesting so I’ll hopefully get that if I can get myself to do each prompt in the book I have now.  Wish me luck!

On to the not so fun stuff.  I went on a trip with some friends which was fun but it also sucked in some ways.  One, we were going to go to an attraction (The House on the Rock) on the way to our destination, which would cost us money.  I had just finished reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman where the characters visit the house.  I was super excited to see it all because of this and to imagine I was walking with the characters in his novel.

So I asked everyone multiple times before we left if the $28.50 was OK with them to spend to see the entire house.  But when we got there everyone threw me for a loop and suddenly said that they didn’t want to spend all that money.  I was utterly shocked and hurt and on top of me not having a lot of sleep that morning, quite emotional.  I told them that I wanted to see it all and they kept insisting that we stay together and only see one part, as they asked me which part I wanted to see.  I really wanted to blurt out “Whatever place you guys won’t be seeing”.  That sounds bitchy, but I was truly hurt, felt ganged up on, and just wanted to be alone when the tears welled up inside me.

I eventually asked the woman working there what the best section was because I didn’t want to talk to my friends and if they insisted just one, I didn’t want them to choose for me.  So I chose section 2 (which was amazing—if you know about the house, it had the giant whale and the carousel).  My friends had settled on a different section but hadn’t bought their tickets yet.  I was about to burst into tears, so I just told the lady that I’ll go with what she said and go through section two.  But then my friends changed their minds to number 2 because they didn’t want to separate even though a few minutes prior, they’d discussed separating.  However, they didn’t come graciously.  I definitely saw a few annoyed looks pass between them and saw one in particular role her eyes, which made me feel even more like shit.  So I called my sister, and the minute she picked up, tears just started falling.

Now, we only talked for a minute or so because my friends had gotten their tickets and were moving on.  It also started to rain–coincidence?  I think not.  But either they completely ignored my tears or were very unobservant because they flowed for a bit.

The lovely day didn’t end there either.  (Oh and I started the morning off with just a “lovely” text from my stepdad who was pissed off about me “taking” my mom’s phone charger, even though she could use his and I had asked her permission).  But any-who,  we eventually got to our destination, ultimately to find out we were late (it was a concert).  And who was on stage?  My favorite band.  I rushed for the ticket counter but people were taking a while and I ended up missing three songs as my friends got pissed off at me for not waiting for every single one of them.  Now, I was kind of annoying here I admit, but they would have done the same for their favorites.  So I got happy because I could just absorb the music and forget my troubles (c’mon get happpyyy—House anyone?  great episode).

That didn’t last much longer than the actual band’s set though!  Yaaaay.  Me and three friends went to get some water and to go to the bathroom during the setup time of the next band.  So we went to the concessions area where two people broke off saying they were going to get a drink.  Fine, whatever, stay in pairs.  But then the third friend said, pointing at the bathroom, “There’s the bathroom, I’m going to go get a drink, meet me up by our spot.”  And before I could even respond, she scampered away.  The same friend who earlier had said that another of our friends shouldn’t go off on her own.  Irony.

I called my mom during this time because who doesn’t need some loving mommy support during a day from hell that was supposed to be awesome?  She was pretty upset, but I got to vent and tear up by complete strangers as she reassured me and calmed me down.  I was fine until I returned to our spot and none of my friends even turned to see me back there.  Immediately the tears began rolling.  Side note: I am an emotional person, sure, but I had had a shitty day and they were being hurtful.  Also no, I did not have my period when this went down just so you know.

Two eventually asked me if I was ok after I’m assuming they saw me whipping my eyes for the billionth time or the deep breathing or the lights bouncing off of my tear-filled eyes.  But ultimately I just let it go so as not to ruin the rest of the trip.  Clearly keeping everything in has not been working and I’ve started to boil over-hence the blog.  Probably also helps that just before this I was watching Bridget Jones…

So, there was more trouble in the next couple of days but none dealing directly with me or issues between me and my friends.  But what sparked me to write this actually happened tonight so I thought, “Eh, what the hell, rant time.”

I had told my friends of a theater nearby that has 5 dollar movie nights and really nice seats.  The movie we wanted to see, or so I thought (again) was The Purge.  We had all gone to see the first one together and had fun pointing out the flaws and laughing at each other jumping.  Now I thought going to the movie in a nice theater with cheap tickets would be fun and my friend had suggested we go on the Fourth of July when she had thought it came out, but I guess I was wrong because she baileddddd.  Yep.  I was informed that she was the one who didn’t want to see it that badly.  Huh, it’s like this happened to me a few weeks ago…oh wait, it did.  Instead,she’s going to have herself a merry little bonfire.  But honestly, after all this shit, I don’t really want to go and be around friends while wearing a fake smile.

I guess I’m just done being pushed around and walked all over by people who are supposed to care and be friends.  So this blog may seem like it’s out of anger, which it is, but it’s mostly out of hurt and my being tired of everything that they’ve been stringing me through the past couple of days.  Anyways, if you have questions or comments….leave a comment!  YAY!  Also, I don’t really want to reread this because it wasn’t that fun to write soooo ignore the errors if you see them because I didn’t edit!  Shhhhhh………